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The mask of mulier: Swimming in a sea of dicks

February 6, 2018

Let's go for a swim


Call me old-school, I never had much attraction towards dating websites and apps. I made the acquaintance of most my partners through friends, coffee shops and the occasional parties. My male friends often speak of their experiences on these avenue as a gamble; send a message/swipe right and hope for an answer one day. On the other hand, women I have the privilege of calling my friends have a vastly different experience:



Any normal person would shrug their shoulder and say:
''C'est la vie!'' (''Thus is life'' for my non-Francophile readers).

I however decided to explore the wonderful world of being a woman on a dating/networking service.

NO amount therapy or whiskey will allow me to forget what I uncovered.

In this series of vociferated blog posts called:

"The mask of mulier" 

Yours truly will explore the realities of being a slightly above average female looking person using the internet in the goal of getting a meaningful relationship/ friendship/ assfucking.

Bait and bobber


There is a name for what I am attempting to do: Cat Fishing 

It's not exactly my goal, because I will follow the following rules of engagement:

1. Never initiate first contact.
2. Try to stay detached.
3. Ask meaningful question.
4. No use of dirty tactics to maintain contact.

In other words I will be using a the "Float fishing" method.
Meaning that I will put my line in the water, sit on my ass and wait for horny guys to chomp down my rusty metal hook.
Using the highly scientific method of scrolling 5 minutes down the google search images, I hope to be able to find portraits that will not be easily recognizable. 

For instance here one of my baits for a more ''promiscuous'' service:


I will be also using multiple baits on various social networks and dating services. My objective is pretty straightforward and unapologetic: Is it true that women have that many creepy message on the internet?


The catch of the day:


Welp! we have a catch!


This message up there was sent to at least 3 of my bait profiles on a certain ''alt lifestyle meetup website'' and also to at least one friend of mine (real person) using the platform. What kind of surprised me is that not even within 24h of creating the accounts, I had several message of this nature on all 5 of my profiles over there. 

They often go this way:
"I describe an imaginary scene that kind of look cool in my head by using an inner narrator voice.
*Pet your hair under the moonlight and kiss your cheeks*"

They will also use creepy words like "Matting", "desires" and "urges".


I took every ounce of willpower I had and answered back without being too sassy:

 The answer was quick and concise:

Woah! Caught you red handed there young Apollo!
No longer are you the driver of the mighty chariot moving the Sun east to west! The soothing voice of the National Geographic narrator now cracks like the spiteful whip of an virginal prepubescent wretch! 

I am not very surprised, most of them act like this when their bullshit is answered in a similar manner. This is the tip of the iceberg, I will not showcase the amount of penis shown to me! (Hint: almost enough to become an urologist!)

This next one is a bit weird and showcase the inherent paranoia, lack of confidence and outright bat-shit insane logic of these would be seducers:

"Dawson" in this context refers to a college in Montreal. This guy immediately try to find (Her...Me..?..shit this is getting confusing) IRL and then accuses me of being paranoid and removing all my pics from my profile. Well, I did not have any other pictures on the profile! it's one of 5 quasi identical profiles I created on my phone using a few tricks! (Now days you can create an array of fake phone numbers and proxies, it's not that hard to create a fake profile!)

Why did this guy feel like I was avoiding him and why was he feeling victimized? Sadly, he never answered back any of my queries. 

A moment of zen silence for all these women


This is only the first of many of these articles; this is a gold mine of human interaction available out there for anyone with dubious morals and 15 minutes to lose: ME. If you are one of these guys that get no answers when hailing a person on these platforms I can only say this: Don't worry some asshole is making sure to creep out everyone in there for you. 

in all fairness I did get some meaningful and sweet messages, but these where drowned in an avalanche of social bitterness.

Hall of fame for not being an asshole:


 (Still waiting for that reply telling me I am a bitch because I did not answer you back!)



Join me next time where I will explore one of these popular dating apps on my phone, pray with me for less pictures of penises. Amen

- Kisses, Bored Panda 



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